The Great Divorce: The chest drops out of a Patsak

Yesterday, I attended the second hearing in our divorce proceedings. Again, she did not show up for the hearing. Anyway, she gets everything- so to speak. There was no necessity for any kind of court room drama.

It is almost done.

Like evil waiting upon the results, ready to count the casualties and measure the precise pitch and degree of devastation, confusion and chaos.

And when this evil is accomplished, still divorce remains a difficulty, an enigma and a paradox to me and my highest hopes. The future just hangs there.

I wait for answers. Patience now…

……………………………………………………….


……………………………………………………….

It feels like evil. Perhaps, because it may be, in fact, evil. All of our good will could neither prevail nor prevent this sudden termination of the most beautiful… promises, oaths and legal obligations. On the other hand, beautiful things can be as fleeting as the beauty of a lifeless, cut flower-  when these things are not meant and only made from convenience.

And yet – even if evil – this does not preclude a distant happy ending, only unhappy results and a heart-felt penitence that must be conducted and managed with even greater responsibility, better decision and more noble action than evidenced in our practice and commitment in marriage.

Beyond Good and Evil, there is a breakdown (a la Heidegger) in myself, my destiny, and my eternal integrity.

Everything seems changed.

Love, marriage, and me are no longer what they seemed to be. Yes, I am changed, changing, and becoming something else — not without heart aching and unbid tears.

The familiar instrumentality (zuhanden or readiness to hand) has lost its meaning; their instrumentality is no longer coherent as I knew them. Love, marriage and myself have become vorhanden (present-at-hand), but these are not trivial things to have in such a condition.

And why must they become vorhanden at the same time? The synchronicitous relation (synchronicity) begs further consideration. Perhaps, in another meditation.

Imagine holding a fork at the dinner table and suddenly you don’t know what you will do with it. You thought you knew what you do with the fork, but it no longer has that same feeling and intuitional usability to you as it did on the previous night when you speared a piece of meat on the plate and lifted it to your lips.

Take it a step further and not only do you wonder what the fork is about, but you wonder what eating is about and, then, you wonder why you eat. Finally, coming around to who are you- especially considering the possibility that you don’t need to eat- after many years of believing that you must eat, you eat, and you will eat.

Yes, eating is somehow an absurd example as the instrumentality of eating is quite obvious to us. But the feeling that I have is somehow more absurd to me and more frightening.

On the one hand, I sense the liberating opportunity of the moment. I feel the approaching possibilities that open up like promises when breaking with the past. I am relieved (but unsatisfyingly so) in leaving behind the broken-ness of recurring disappointments and failed attempts to become something more through that relationship. I feel almost released from what seemed irreparable between us.

Almost.

I want to stretch out and unfold like a cat by a warm fireplace after being knotted up in an uncomfortable perch by a frosty window.

I want to turn off that indelible, intimate connection between her soul and mine. The feed does not terminate with the paperwork and courtroom procedure. But I don’t want to feel and know her deepest thoughts and emotions anymore. It is that connection that got us into what seemed to us to be a doomed relationship from the beginning.

But if this connection is indelible (perhaps, even an indelible grace), as I fear, what shall I do with these visions and nightmares? Why must there be a connection when there was, in fact, very little that resembled a relationship that is worthy of pedestrian things – common aspirations, passions, and expectations.

On the other hand, I remain afraid that she or I have acted rashly in our conceits; that she and/or I have so misjudged the situation that we missed an important, crucial opportunity to repair what was broken in our common destiny and fulfillment. That we have missed an opportunity to live out a more charming fate- happily ever after.

And I continue to dread to discover that unfortunate (hopefully, only darkly imagined) possibility that the integrity of our common destiny has been so compromised by an error of horrendous proportion that our lives will be for the worse. That by divorce, our individual destinies are compromised more so than we could have ever imagined. That a greater destiny and happiness is now lost forever and slipping out of our reach.

That somehow this is not at all what God had hoped for- regarding us, me, and her. Of course, we did not pursue God’s blessings on our marriage in earnest. Nor did we pursue, together, his blessings period.

This Chirstmas holiday, I felt the despair of something beautiful that was wrecked- regardless of the lies, self delusions and disappointments. It was overwhelming and almost maddening. The existential urgency of despair came like a tsunami a few minutes after a scene (below) from Der Himmel uber Berlin.. I don’t think I’ll be seeing Der Himmel uber Berlin (Wings of Desire) again, any time soon.

……………………………………………………….

……………………………………………………….

Note: City of Angels with Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan is a poor remake of Wings of Desire. It is impoverished because it lacks the poetry, spirit, and meditative spirit of the orginial.

It is a time to think, reflect, and observe. Emphasis on the latter.

My spider senses are going wild.

I can only hope that the promise of the future is a greater promise- not a lesser promise. For both of us. And for John Thomas.

Amen.

And now, suddenly, I find inexplicable, supernatural suggestions that urge me to make a leap of faith.

………………………………………

……………………………………..

Regardless of my spider senses, I am reassured that God will make something good out of this complete mess- despite our reluctance to fully enjoy and multiply the abundant blessings that we received in the past.

Of course, this is only possible because God does, infact, exist… because this God is generous (uniquely magnificent), kind and empathetic. Whether or not we cooperate, God is intimately involved with who we are and what we can become. And that long anticipated homecoming to ourselves, the joy and the release from pain and disappointment is always possible- if we will trust in Him.

Below, Coldplay, The Hardest Part. A little background music as I contemplate the problematic of true love in the 21st Century.

………………………………………………

……………………………………………….

Stan Faryna
February 25, 2008
Bucharest, Romania

Bablion

For those of you who want to know more about my sometimes professional and often satirical viewpoint on Romania, check out, Bablion.

Copyright

Copyright 1996 to 2008 by Stan Faryna.

Here’s the fair use policy for MY content:

If you want to share my content with your own audience, you may quote a brief excerpt, if and only if, you provide proper attribution (Source: The unofficial blog of Stan Faryna) with a direct link to the source. You may not republish or translate the entire article without my written permission. Send your request for permission by inmail through the linkedin professional network at www.linkedin.com.

Don’t want to register to comment?

Freely comment in the Buzzfuse widget below; Buzzfuse does not require registration. Also, feel free to give me a 10 star rating; positive feedback encourages me to post more often. If you have a Buzzfuse account, please make sure you are logged in to get your Buzzfuse rewards.

Use Buzzfuse* to easily rate, review, and share this item

2 Responses to The Great Divorce: The chest drops out of a Patsak

  1. mac157 says:

    Stano,

    I’ve been in situations that from which I thought I’d never get out. There are ends to such events (although it probably seems unlikely to you now). I don’t want to belittle your heart ache, but a friend long ago shared this wisdom with me: a happy life consists of recovering fast enough from one disappointment to meet the next one. Not very pie in the sky, nonetheless, it has helped me put life in perspective at key moments in time. Just remember: there are those who love and care for you dearly and cry for (and with) you. You are not alone! As painful as it is, settle your affairs, and please return to us. You will always have my love and support (as well as that of my old and new family).

    Matt

    P.S. If you ever give up the computer thing, you appear to still have excellent talent for writing!

  2. Meg Guegan says:

    beepu

Speak from your heart!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: